sitting, waiting, wishing

Things are going back to normal. But not the normal I want. The normal before everything happened when we were best friends. I mean, I guess thats a good step in the right direction. At least things aren't awkward anymore. Not with him at least. I still hate seeing them together. That's the only time it really hurts now.

I wish we could at least talk about things and be on the same page but he still won't. It seems like anytime I bring up the idea, he avoids the situation. There are just things I would like to have answers to.. I think that is what will be the best thing for me to help me move on.

Why did you have to lie to me? Why couldn't you just come to me and be up front about everything? I'd rather have you say something that could possibly hurt at the time than try to cover it up and make me think things are different than they are for temporary happiness. Cause clearly that left me more hurt. Why would you go back to her after everything she's done? You know she's just gonna do it again. And do you guys really have to be so damn insensitive? The least you could do is not be all lovey-dovey in front of me. It's like she's just dangling you in front of me because she knows how badly I want you and can't have you. When it comes down to it, I don't really care that you're with her. I don't even really care that you chose her. What hurts me is that you felt the need to lie about it all along. Your lies caused my feelings to grow stronger and stronger and then out of nowhere, they're expected to be gone? I never expected to like you this much, nor would I have let myself if I had known what was really going on. You know I don't open up to people. I've been hurt before this same way so I keep a guard up to protect myself. I trusted you. I let my guard down and what do you know? Of course I ended up hurt. Why wouldn't I? Why would anything ever turn out good for me? I'm used to being hurt so I guess it's time to put the guard back up and it's not coming down for anyone anytime soon either.

I guess for now I'll just sit back and see what happens. I really hope things can all go back to how they used to be. I'm sick of the awkward tension. I just want my best friend back...