Friday, December 30, 2011

Hahahaha it's times like these I wish I kept a journal regularly.. I just found my journal from the cruise Lauren and I went on back in 8th grade. This was by no means a journal a lot of thought was put into (clearly, as you will see), but I can't stop laughing! Hahahahaha

April 16, 2006
Today we got to Fort Lauderdale and got on our boat called the Millennium. There are 2 boys in the room next to us who are way hot! Their names are Tyler and Grant. They live in Florida. Today was a relaxing day. It has been really fun so far.
Funny things of the day: 

  • To be, or not to be
  • Beds on airport chairs
  • Seeing the tiny room
  • Larry
  • We're mithing a pathenger
  • Jiggello
  • G. Dancing

April 17, 2006
Not much new stuff has happened. Tyler was a brat yesterday but we hung out with both of them today. They are the funniest people I have ever met. I hope we get to spend more time w/ them. Lauren is obsessed with Grant. We have banging wars with them on the walls.
Funny stuff today:

  • Banging on walls
  • Dirty dancer
  • Matt stalking Lauren
  • My tongue is numb

April 18, 2006
There is this kid who looks exactly like Nate and is obsessed with ping-pong. He's funny though. We hung out w/ Grant and Tyler again. They're fun to be around. I spent time w/ Tyler while Lauren spent time w/ Grant. He's really nice when he's alone. We were in Puerto Rico today. I hated it there.
Funny things: 

  • Swimmy-swim
  • Shoe war
  • Trying on Tyler's size 13 shoe
  • Old people dancing
  • Breadsticks
  • Orange sherbet @ dinner

April 19, 2006
Today we went to Antigua. It was beautiful. We went on a tour and to the beach. I forgot, but last night, Grant and Tyler (Wyler... haha) were obsessed with the breadsticks. We also caught slut-girl and Atheist having sex. Anyway, we watched G. and T. play soccer. They are good at every sport.
Funny stuff:

  • Singing taxi driver
  • Guy offering us weed

April 20, 2006
Today we went to St. Maarten. It was my favorite island by far. The water was such a pretty color and I saw a turtle. G. and T. don't like us anymore because they met a new kid who is the biggest brat to us. We met a new girl though. Her name is Chelsea. She's nice. Pervy dirty-dancer came up to us and asked us gross questions. Hate him.
Funny stuff:

  • Looking for Del Sol

April 21, 2006
T. and G. really hate us. We got 1/2 payback @ karaoke though. We signed them up to sing Oops, I Did It Again and they wouldn't but everyone made fun of them for not going. We think Grant knows he had more fun w/ us cuz he is with the other boys and is silent but w/ us he's out of control. Earlier, Tyler told us everyone @ home hates Grant and now we understand why.
Funny stuff:

  • Chelsea getting mad @ the boys for us (since THEY stalk US)
  • Karaoke (Chelsea's an awesome singer)

April 22, 2006
Tonight's our last night! I don't want to go home! :( We had a pretty fun time tonight though. First, we spat gum into each other's mouths (we're weird, I know). We met 2 new girls and a new guy. The girls' names are Hannah and Pate (I think her name was Pate) and the guy's name was Mike. Andy brat-head called Lauren a skank and a b**** and Lisa got way mad at him. Hannah fainted @ the dance party because all she had that day was a piece of toast, 6 coffees, 4 red bulls, and 20 diet cokes. Her grandma also told her she was ugly. Lauren wears lots of eyeliner so Shannon put on lots and did it ugly and they looked identical. I'm so sad we have to leave tomorrow.
Funny stuff: 

  • Smoldering tempterace
  • Thug style
  • Gum
  • Lisa getting mad at Andy

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I need this dress for formal. Someone please tell me where to find it. All I know is it's not Betsey.
I can't wait for winter break so I can travel again. I'm in charge of choosing where our family goes :)
"So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days, you can hear their chorus rushing past: I was a beautiful girl, please don’t go, I too believe my body is made of glass, I’ve never loved anyone, I think of myself as funny, forgive me… There was a time when it wasn’t uncommon to use a piece of string to guide words that otherwise might falter on the way to their destinations. Shy people carried a little bunch of string in their pockets, but people considered loudmouths had no less need for it, since those used to being overheard by everyone were often at a loss for how to make themselves heard by someone. The physical distance between two people using a string was often small; sometimes the smaller the distance, the greater the need for the string. The practice of attaching cups to the ends of string came much later. Some say it is related to the irrepressible urge to press shells to our ears, to hear the still-surviving echo of the world’s first expression. Others say it was started by a man who held the end of a string that was unraveled across the ocean by a girl who left for America. When the world grew bigger, and there wasn’t enough string to keep the things people wanted to say from disappearing into the vastness, the telephone was invented. Sometimes no length of string is long enough to say the thing that needs to be said. In such cases all the string can do, in whatever its form, is conduct a person’s silence." — The History of Love, Nicole Krauss
I want to do this to someone's hair. Who wants to let me try the double braid?
Things are finally going my way for once. Fall break came with some of the best days I’ve had in a really long time. Running away to Laguna was exactly what I needed and helped me make a step in the right direction. I am finally moving on to something that I have a feeling will be much better for me; almost perfect, in fact. He never fails to make me smile, regardless of if I’m actually with him or just talking to him. He makes me feel important and special. I feel like he is genuinely interested in what’s going on with me and how I am and if I’m upset, he makes sure he at least puts in an effort to help make me happy again. We just spent the most amazing two days together visiting his parents. I’m surprised I’ve been able to open up to him so fast. I feel so comfortable around him, which is awesome, because it usually takes me a while to get to that point with anyone. I’m just really happy right now and I love it, because it’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. I really hope things stay this way though, because I feel like anytime I am finally happy again, things do a 180 and go back to being really bad. Bye bye single Kenzie :) 
So pretty. I want to see the Cherry Blossoms in Japan next spring.
I miss my pugs. I need a puppy.
This is the most beautiful child I've ever seen.
These kids are dressed so cute. My kids will have the best style.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

trust me.

To my lovely DG sisters,
I just wanted to write to you and let you know how much I truly appreciate each and every one of you. I know things are different in the house these days, but that doesn’t change how much I love all of you. DG has changed my life completely. I’m a completely different person than I was two years ago. I’ve grown up a lot and become a better person and that’s all thanks to the example you all set for me. I look up to all of you, even the younger girls. You are such great role models for me and the best friends I could ask for. You’ve all seen me at my best and my worst and I am so fortunate to have you in my life. This summer was the best and worst of my life. Things happened that I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through without you all there to pick me back up and I just wanted to thank you. In addition to be there for my bad moments, you were the ones creating the good memories. I know a lot of things have happened recently, but I don’t know what I’d do if I could no longer call one of you my sisters. We need to things back to how they were during pledgeship. I can’t remember a happier time in my life and DG has never been better than it was then. Everyone has things they need to work on, but I have faith in us and I know if we do, our sisterhood will grow even stronger and be unbreakable. Stick it out and I know this will all be worth it. I love you guys more than you can imagine. ITB <3

Thursday, September 29, 2011

a girl can dream, right?

If there's something I'm particularly bad about, it's dwelling on the past. Far too often I catch myself looking back on the past, thinking about everything that went wrong or that I could have done differently or, at times, even things I regret. I'm always the happy, optimistic one in the group but sometimes I really just wish life had a rewind button and that I could give things a second shot with the knowledge I have obtained. This is something that has been going on all night and I don't know why I can't shake the thoughts out of my head, but I just keep thinking about it.

It all started at the Taylor Swift concert, which might I add, was incredible; one of the best concerts I've ever been to. I'm not sure how she does it, but she sums up my life to a t. Yeah, she sings about a lot of general topics and everyone feels like they can relate to her. But the way my life relates is insane: it literally is word for word, my life, even the dates in the songs. Marissa understands what I mean. In the song "I'd Lie," everything Taylor mentions describes my ex. He loves to argue, he's born on the 17th, his sisters are both beautiful, he has his dad's bright blue eyes, and he won't tell anyone but he can play the guitar. Tonight at the concert, I found myself constantly thinking about a certain boy. He wanted to go to the concert and had been talking about it forever but I guess he didn't end up getting a ticket. So, of course, I was already thinking about him for that reason. But as she started playing, I started to relate more and more of the songs to him. (I wish I could stop myself from doing that, but hey, I'm a girl. It's what we do best.) One song in particular really hit me: "Last Kiss." Yeah, of course I'd thought about it before, but I hadn't really listened to the words as closely as I did tonight. The way this song related was weirdly similar but much more personal than the last. "The words that you whispered for just us to know, you told me you loved me so why did you go away." There was a time we were talking and he told me he was falling for me. "That July 9th, the beat of your heart - it jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms." July 9th was the last AMAZING night we had. Sure, there were good nights after that, but that is the last distinct one that sticks out in my mind. "Now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes." A dumb example, but he always lets me borrow his clothes if I'm cold or for whatever reason need something. "All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss." I think that one is self-explanatory. "Never imagined we'd end like this." Also, pretty self-explanatory. "I do remember the swing of your step, the life of the party you're showin off again, and I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in." Dancing in the basement at the parties. "How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of sayin somethin. There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions." Again, self-explanatory. "So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep." Okay, that sounds creepy. Not what I mean. More along the lines of just its more convenient to watch your life through pictures than in person now. "And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are." We have the same friends, so naturally we're all still gonna hang out and you'll get brought up in conversation here and there. "And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you you wish you had stayed." Ugh, if only. "You can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind." Once again, I feel that this is pretty self-explanatory.

It was just bizarre to me how similar my life was to this song. It took everything I had in me not to cry while she was singing it. But this was not my point in blogging tonight. My point is just that I miss how things used to be. Having our new pledges reminds me of how much I loved and miss pledgeship. It was literally the best time of my entire life. Everything was so new and fresh. I was meeting and getting to know all of my best friends. There was always something exciting to do and new things to experience. I was so happy and I was perfectly content with my life. Why can't things go back to how they were? I wish I could express to the new members how much they really do need to appreciate this time and enjoy every minute of it. I'm not saying it gets bad by any means, but there is nothing better than your semester during pledgeship. I wish I could go back and relive every moment of it and then continue on and relive the rest of the past year. I know so much more than I did before and there are so many things that I would have done differently now that I know the outcome. Maybe I'd be happier.

I know I really need to stop doing this. I need to stop thinking on the past and rather focus on what's ahead of me and make the best of that. But it's just been one of those nights.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

harder than easy

I hate that you call me babe. I hate that you tell me how beautiful I look. I hate that you grab my hand and pull me in tight and don't let go. I hate how normal things are between us. I hate that you are with her. I hate that I still want you so badly. I hate that I let myself get like this. I hate that I can't get over you. But most of all, I hate that I love you.

time for change

Summer's over, which can only mean one thing: RECRUITMENT

With school starting, DG is back in session and I couldn't be more excited! So much work has been put in to recruitment over the summer and I can't wait to see our hard work pay off! I thought I'd give my top reasons why I love DG so much :)

7. I always look for the DG house on other campuses when I am traveling. It’s really fun to see how different other chapters are and meet the girls I call my national sisters and share the amazing bond of sisterhood with them.

6. I get to continue my family’s legacy. My mom, a few of her sisters, and my grandma were all DG’s in the Beta Gamma chapter at the U!

5. Whether we’re at a date night, formal, sisterhood, or even just hanging out, we always have the best time. It’s so fun to be able to spend time with my sisters and get to know them better!

4. It has given me so many opportunities to grow and develop. I have matured so much more through DG and found where I truly belong and who I want to be.

3. I’ve met a new group of absolutely amazing girls, which is saying a lot cause I don’t generally get along with girls too well. My best friends are in DG and I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t have them in my life.

2. We share an unbreakable bond that is like nothing else. Literally, from the second my pledge sisters and I met, we loved each other unconditionally and grew unbelievably close. They are my best friends and I love them more than life.

1. It’s given me a place to go when I need to escape from all the things going on in my life. The girls are all so understanding and loyal and they have seen me through a lot of tough times. They’ve made me feel very welcome and their arms are always open if I need a hug or someone to talk to.

It sounds so cliche, but I honestly don't know what I would do without DG. Rushing DG was the best decision I've ever made and not once have I regretted it. I would never trade my experiences in DG for anything in the world. ΔΓ ♥ ⚓

Sunday, August 7, 2011

sitting, waiting, wishing

Things are going back to normal. But not the normal I want. The normal before everything happened when we were best friends. I mean, I guess thats a good step in the right direction. At least things aren't awkward anymore. Not with him at least. I still hate seeing them together. That's the only time it really hurts now.

I wish we could at least talk about things and be on the same page but he still won't. It seems like anytime I bring up the idea, he avoids the situation. There are just things I would like to have answers to.. I think that is what will be the best thing for me to help me move on.

Why did you have to lie to me? Why couldn't you just come to me and be up front about everything? I'd rather have you say something that could possibly hurt at the time than try to cover it up and make me think things are different than they are for temporary happiness. Cause clearly that left me more hurt. Why would you go back to her after everything she's done? You know she's just gonna do it again. And do you guys really have to be so damn insensitive? The least you could do is not be all lovey-dovey in front of me. It's like she's just dangling you in front of me because she knows how badly I want you and can't have you. When it comes down to it, I don't really care that you're with her. I don't even really care that you chose her. What hurts me is that you felt the need to lie about it all along. Your lies caused my feelings to grow stronger and stronger and then out of nowhere, they're expected to be gone? I never expected to like you this much, nor would I have let myself if I had known what was really going on. You know I don't open up to people. I've been hurt before this same way so I keep a guard up to protect myself. I trusted you. I let my guard down and what do you know? Of course I ended up hurt. Why wouldn't I? Why would anything ever turn out good for me? I'm used to being hurt so I guess it's time to put the guard back up and it's not coming down for anyone anytime soon either.

I guess for now I'll just sit back and see what happens. I really hope things can all go back to how they used to be. I'm sick of the awkward tension. I just want my best friend back...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I don’t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once swore you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives and memories just because it’s easier than working things out.
-the genius words of my dear friend, karina

her words are like magic

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down
Slow me down
Slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down

Thursday, July 28, 2011

what i know vs what i want

There's this boy I met this year. We became best friends and spent lots of time together. Just recently, things changed. The time we spent together was different. Our friendship was different. We began spending even more time together and feelings for each other developed into something more.

Okay, so I didn't love him. Or I guess, I did love him, but I wasn't in love with him. But what we had, had potential. We had talked about our feelings and were on the same page. What changed? Was it something I did? Was it something I said? Or was it just ghosts from the past haunting us?

This is the first time I'd fully wanted to let myself go to someone again. After my last relationship, I'd been more careful about opening up to people. I closed myself off to people because I was afraid of getting hurt again and the only way I knew how to prevent that was shutting people out.

I felt comfortable with him. He was the guy I could be silly around. He was the guy I could have a good time with without saying anything.

No matter what we were doing, I enjoyed the time we spent together. He always made me laugh. He always brightened my day. 

Everyone tells me he's not worth my time. Everyone tells me he's not worth my tears. Everyone tells me I deserve better. Deep down, I know all of this is true. But I can't just forget about my feelings. Yeah, it sucks to feel like this. But I always catch myself wondering, "What if he chooses me? What if he realizes how dumb he was? Why doesn't he see how great things could have been? What if he's thinking the same thing?" 

I know exactly how things are going to turn out for them so I don't want to give up hope for us. I don't want to just be waiting there for him when she bails, but I want him so badly. I want so badly for him to come to his senses and do what is right. Things were finally going well for us and she stepped back in and took him from me. 

I want a boy who would shove ice cream in my face.
I want a boy who will wrestle with me.
I want a boy who shows me off to his family and friends.
I want a boy who treats me with respect.
I want a boy who will call me at four in the morning to tell me he can't stop thinking about me.
I want a boy who sings to me, even if he can't.
I want a boy who will dance with me, rain or shine.
I want a boy who will lay with me when I'm having a bad day.
I want a boy who will laugh with me for hours.
I want a boy who could break my heart, but wouldn't dream of it. 

People will ask what the point is in liking someone who doesn't like you back. They are right, there isn't a point. But you can't help who you like, it's not up to you. Your heart kind of just decides for you and there is no turning back once your heart makes up its mind.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to move on. But it hurts to see them together. It hurts when people ask about him. Inside, I want to cry. But I put on a smile and say everything is okay. But it's my true friends who know I'm lying. They are the ones who tell me it's okay to cry. It doesn't mean I'm weak. But it's that feeling that I hate. The feeling that you are about to cry and at that exact moment, someone asks if you're okay. You try to smile but you physically just can't do it anymore, and eventually the effort of trying to smile for this one person has the tears spilling over. 

Sometimes all I want is to be alone but I have to put on a happy face and go out. 

Sometimes all I want is someone to talk to but no one understands what it's like. 

Sometimes all I want is to lay in bed and think about things.

Sometimes all I want to do is cry and it seems like that's all I do when I go home.

I think it's time to run away for a day at the beach..

He was never my boyfriend, but I miss his hugs, his smiles, his advice, his love, his kindness, the times we cried together, and the times we laughed together. I guess I fell in love with our friendship.

the city of love

I love my mom's job. It's given me opportunities to travel places I would never be able to go otherwise. It's also a nice perk having my DG sisters all over the world so I can go visit them! One of my pledge sisters, Katie, has been doing a study abroad in Paris for the past three months. Another pledge sister, Allie, and I decided we wanted to go out and visit her for a few days! I've always dreamed of going to Paris and it was so much more than I could've ever imagined.

We arrived in France on Sunday. We spent the day wandering the city. The first place we stopped was a little cafe called Les Deux Magots for some coffee. We got to watch the Tour de France from the Notre Dame which was incredible. We went to the Louvre and continued to explore the city for the rest of the day.

Monday, we went to Sacre Coeur which is a famous cathedral. It was amazing! We also went to the Eiffel Tower. It was exactly like in the pictures, only about 10x as big as I imagined. It was absolutely beautiful! We climbed all 701 stairs and looked out at the city from the top. It was an amazing view of the entire city!

Tuesday, we went to the Luxemborg Gardens and made our way back to the Louvre. We also went to the Arc de Triomphe because we couldn't get there before due to the race! It was massive!! That night, we went back to the Eiffel Tower to see it lit up at night and to watch it sparkle. It was by far the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I tried to get pictures of it, but they just don't do it justice. I highly recommend that everyone make the journey to Paris to see that at least once it their life. Definitely a must see and I will be going back as soon as possible! I am in love with this city and want to move there someday.