Thursday, July 28, 2011

what i know vs what i want

There's this boy I met this year. We became best friends and spent lots of time together. Just recently, things changed. The time we spent together was different. Our friendship was different. We began spending even more time together and feelings for each other developed into something more.

Okay, so I didn't love him. Or I guess, I did love him, but I wasn't in love with him. But what we had, had potential. We had talked about our feelings and were on the same page. What changed? Was it something I did? Was it something I said? Or was it just ghosts from the past haunting us?

This is the first time I'd fully wanted to let myself go to someone again. After my last relationship, I'd been more careful about opening up to people. I closed myself off to people because I was afraid of getting hurt again and the only way I knew how to prevent that was shutting people out.

I felt comfortable with him. He was the guy I could be silly around. He was the guy I could have a good time with without saying anything.

No matter what we were doing, I enjoyed the time we spent together. He always made me laugh. He always brightened my day. 

Everyone tells me he's not worth my time. Everyone tells me he's not worth my tears. Everyone tells me I deserve better. Deep down, I know all of this is true. But I can't just forget about my feelings. Yeah, it sucks to feel like this. But I always catch myself wondering, "What if he chooses me? What if he realizes how dumb he was? Why doesn't he see how great things could have been? What if he's thinking the same thing?" 

I know exactly how things are going to turn out for them so I don't want to give up hope for us. I don't want to just be waiting there for him when she bails, but I want him so badly. I want so badly for him to come to his senses and do what is right. Things were finally going well for us and she stepped back in and took him from me. 

I want a boy who would shove ice cream in my face.
I want a boy who will wrestle with me.
I want a boy who shows me off to his family and friends.
I want a boy who treats me with respect.
I want a boy who will call me at four in the morning to tell me he can't stop thinking about me.
I want a boy who sings to me, even if he can't.
I want a boy who will dance with me, rain or shine.
I want a boy who will lay with me when I'm having a bad day.
I want a boy who will laugh with me for hours.
I want a boy who could break my heart, but wouldn't dream of it. 

People will ask what the point is in liking someone who doesn't like you back. They are right, there isn't a point. But you can't help who you like, it's not up to you. Your heart kind of just decides for you and there is no turning back once your heart makes up its mind.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to move on. But it hurts to see them together. It hurts when people ask about him. Inside, I want to cry. But I put on a smile and say everything is okay. But it's my true friends who know I'm lying. They are the ones who tell me it's okay to cry. It doesn't mean I'm weak. But it's that feeling that I hate. The feeling that you are about to cry and at that exact moment, someone asks if you're okay. You try to smile but you physically just can't do it anymore, and eventually the effort of trying to smile for this one person has the tears spilling over. 

Sometimes all I want is to be alone but I have to put on a happy face and go out. 

Sometimes all I want is someone to talk to but no one understands what it's like. 

Sometimes all I want is to lay in bed and think about things.

Sometimes all I want to do is cry and it seems like that's all I do when I go home.

I think it's time to run away for a day at the beach..

He was never my boyfriend, but I miss his hugs, his smiles, his advice, his love, his kindness, the times we cried together, and the times we laughed together. I guess I fell in love with our friendship.

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