Thursday, September 29, 2011

a girl can dream, right?

If there's something I'm particularly bad about, it's dwelling on the past. Far too often I catch myself looking back on the past, thinking about everything that went wrong or that I could have done differently or, at times, even things I regret. I'm always the happy, optimistic one in the group but sometimes I really just wish life had a rewind button and that I could give things a second shot with the knowledge I have obtained. This is something that has been going on all night and I don't know why I can't shake the thoughts out of my head, but I just keep thinking about it.

It all started at the Taylor Swift concert, which might I add, was incredible; one of the best concerts I've ever been to. I'm not sure how she does it, but she sums up my life to a t. Yeah, she sings about a lot of general topics and everyone feels like they can relate to her. But the way my life relates is insane: it literally is word for word, my life, even the dates in the songs. Marissa understands what I mean. In the song "I'd Lie," everything Taylor mentions describes my ex. He loves to argue, he's born on the 17th, his sisters are both beautiful, he has his dad's bright blue eyes, and he won't tell anyone but he can play the guitar. Tonight at the concert, I found myself constantly thinking about a certain boy. He wanted to go to the concert and had been talking about it forever but I guess he didn't end up getting a ticket. So, of course, I was already thinking about him for that reason. But as she started playing, I started to relate more and more of the songs to him. (I wish I could stop myself from doing that, but hey, I'm a girl. It's what we do best.) One song in particular really hit me: "Last Kiss." Yeah, of course I'd thought about it before, but I hadn't really listened to the words as closely as I did tonight. The way this song related was weirdly similar but much more personal than the last. "The words that you whispered for just us to know, you told me you loved me so why did you go away." There was a time we were talking and he told me he was falling for me. "That July 9th, the beat of your heart - it jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms." July 9th was the last AMAZING night we had. Sure, there were good nights after that, but that is the last distinct one that sticks out in my mind. "Now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes." A dumb example, but he always lets me borrow his clothes if I'm cold or for whatever reason need something. "All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss." I think that one is self-explanatory. "Never imagined we'd end like this." Also, pretty self-explanatory. "I do remember the swing of your step, the life of the party you're showin off again, and I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in." Dancing in the basement at the parties. "How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of sayin somethin. There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions." Again, self-explanatory. "So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep." Okay, that sounds creepy. Not what I mean. More along the lines of just its more convenient to watch your life through pictures than in person now. "And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are." We have the same friends, so naturally we're all still gonna hang out and you'll get brought up in conversation here and there. "And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you you wish you had stayed." Ugh, if only. "You can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind." Once again, I feel that this is pretty self-explanatory.

It was just bizarre to me how similar my life was to this song. It took everything I had in me not to cry while she was singing it. But this was not my point in blogging tonight. My point is just that I miss how things used to be. Having our new pledges reminds me of how much I loved and miss pledgeship. It was literally the best time of my entire life. Everything was so new and fresh. I was meeting and getting to know all of my best friends. There was always something exciting to do and new things to experience. I was so happy and I was perfectly content with my life. Why can't things go back to how they were? I wish I could express to the new members how much they really do need to appreciate this time and enjoy every minute of it. I'm not saying it gets bad by any means, but there is nothing better than your semester during pledgeship. I wish I could go back and relive every moment of it and then continue on and relive the rest of the past year. I know so much more than I did before and there are so many things that I would have done differently now that I know the outcome. Maybe I'd be happier.

I know I really need to stop doing this. I need to stop thinking on the past and rather focus on what's ahead of me and make the best of that. But it's just been one of those nights.

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